The blank page before me welcomes me and the clicking sound of every keystroke reminisces sweetly, as that of a warm and sweet”hello” embrace. This little space of mine, is precious to me. It is where I have chronicled the many thoughts and experiences of my life unfolding. It is where I have processed and grown in spiritual truths. It is through words flowing, how I expressed one of my most intimate forms of worship to Him. This little blog is where I embrace a gift given by Him, so as to return the glory to Him. It is a space where I can sing the new song He has given me. (Ps. 40:3)
Left alone. It has been quiet here, in this little space of mine. Some might even think, abandoned. It would be easy to blame it on some major life changes experienced over the last few months. It would be easy to say, life happened. It would be easy to say, I just wanted to take a break. There are many reasons/excuses to give…ones that would be easy.
Vulnerability and honesty, are more pure and true than what might be easy. At my core, I want to avoid vulnerability. I am thankful, though, for a core redeemed. While my flesh may desire to hide and move on to some vague and distant form of truth…His perfectness and goodness strengthens me to do more. Truth cannot be vague, it cannot be distant; if not fully truth, then it is fully false.
So, with a heart to keep this space a place that pursues truth, truth is then demanded from me.
This little home of words which I hold so closely, also became the thing I was asked to walk away from. It was whispered to my heart in the quiet moments, whispers that left no doubt. I was to give up something I considered so good, so important. I begged my various reasons why I could not walk away from it. I ignored His call. Somewhere, I just knew that it must be some sort of mistake…something lost in translation.
Then He took it all away. Words lied empty. A mind full, could not compose a single paragraph. It was the quintessential embodiment of writer’s block. That is when I knew. My disobedience came at a cost. My soul plummeted, and it did so not because of my disappointment in what had been lost, but because of my regret. When asked to practice full surrender, I clung to what was never mine…and lost it anyway.
An excerpt from my journal the day, with tears flowing, I wrote my words of final surrender:
How do you give up something….really great? How do you let go of something that is just as much part of you as breathing. Words formed in an act of worship. Thoughts, swirling through the mind, just waiting to be released onto a page. Being asked to release this, is like being asked to release the air mask that is pumping life-giving oxygen into my lungs.
Sometimes, bravery and trust is to walk away…even from something you love; Sometimes, bravery means surrender – for something Someone greater. It is the journey of His faithfulness that assures and strengthens. It is His goodness and glory that reveals nothing is worth more than He. His promises are true and His ways are good. Bravery, right now? It means entering a space of sacred trust. It means holding back nothing from Him. It is letting go of hopes and dreams in exchange for His desires…for His ways.
“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD.
“And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.”
Isaiah 55:8 (NLT)
Silence followed that day. But in the silence, my heart grew and my spirit was sharpened. I moved forward day after day, never knowing when or if I would be given the gift of writing for Him again. Uncertainty in it, grew my certainty in Him. His mercy generously overflowed upon my broken spirit — He did not leave me in a state of regret, but gave me the hope of grace. I meditated on Him and found that the most precious form of worship I could offer, is found in how I am living (surrendering) my daily life to Him. There is nothing…nothing…more important than He. I offered up my broken way of thinking, a thought process that somewhere placed a form of worship to Him, over He Himself. In the true and full surrender, I found my soul restored.
Friends, this God I serve? He is faithful, he is good and all His ways are perfect. He takes away and gives with sovereignty, mercy and grace. I have journeyed in silence these last four months, a silence that let my heart hear Him. I saw His faithful ways and experienced His mercy, not in what He gave, but in what He withheld.
I sit here today,in front of this computer screen, only because of Him. I move forward with a prayer to cling to His perfect instruction…to His perfect way. I am humbly marveling in this gift restored to me. It was a gift restored in His perfect time and in His beautiful way. To be so very undeservedly entrusted with this gift; to be able to use this space, again; to sing my song of worship through words written; to be given the chance to surrender all, it is for nothing less than His glory.
I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart; I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation; I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness from the great congregation. -Psalm 40:10- (ESV)