So, I last left off with a little rundown of my past struggle with body image concerning weight and size issues (you can read it here). By past struggle, I do not mean to say that I am currently at an “ideal” size and weight, thus, no longer have any struggles in this area anymore. What I am saying is – I can look at myself in the mirror now and not experience a feeling that is both marred with anger and depression.
Three thoughts I have now, from this side of the struggle.
1. I had to learn to cast all my cares.
It felt like vanity; it felt like something I should be ashamed to bring to the arms of my Father. Why was it that I could burden God with my deepest darkest sins yet feel that this was out of His reach. It felt trivial, in a sense, to share this struggle and hurt with Him. I let my hurt overshadow what I knew about the unfailing love that He offers. His love for me encompasses all of me…even in my weakest and lowest state. The God who created me and knew me in the secret, before time even knew of my existence (Psalm 139:15), knows of all my struggles. He was waiting for me to bring my cares to Him. Once I understood that He is a God who cares about every facet of my life, I began to cast (all) my struggles into His mighty hands; I began heal. The deep and dark moments of self-rejection were ones that I no longer faced alone.
2. I learned how to have a healthy view of myself.
This was hard. I had to learn how to love a body that was mine, but also not be willing to accept it in an unhealthy condition. I knew that my body, being 50 pounds over what it should be, was not healthy. This is when I joined Weight Watchers. My goal – was not to lose weight to look a certain way. I was not after being “skinny”, I was after being healthy. When I set my “goal” on the Weight Watcher’s website, I purposely set it to be 20 pounds over my “ideal” weight. I needed to keep myself in the mindset of being healthy and not skinny. I was afraid too much of a change in appearance could bring me back to my previous struggles.
What I love about Weight Watchers, is that not only does it work, but it becomes a lifestyle. After I cancelled my membership I continued to maintain the weight I lost – even after having been pregnant twice after my weight loss, I still maintained my body size and weight.
Which, is why I have now decided to join again.
I am excited and ready to drop the rest of the weight. It feels good to lose weight with this perspective. I also will be (re)starting my P90 workouts. I am ready to continue my journey for a healthier me.
3. I want my kids to see healthy when they see me…not fat or skinny.
To be an example of health for my children, especially my daughter, is important for me. I don’t want them (her) to hear me utter the words “I am fat”, “I look so fat”, “I…” – you get the idea. I love that my sister and I already have a pact to not use those kind of words around our children, like I said, especially our girls. The words we say, they internalize and may one day use against their own bodies. The struggles of body image rejection leaves scars, and if I can help them avoid those scars with the words I choose to speak, I will. I want them to see me eat better and I want them to see me exercise; I want them to see me do it with a positive attitude toward myself. I want them to see me as someone who works towards staying healthy. I want them to see me embrace the beautiful creation that belongs to God. I want them to believe the words – “I am fearfully and wonderfully made”.
It feels good to be in this place. The hurt, the anger, the sadness – it is not mine to carry anymore. A lot of work; a lot of surrender.